I’m a happy woman. But let me let you in on a not so secretive secret: I hold on to things in my past for waaaayyy too long. Often, my mind is a-wandering when it shouldn’t be: while doing homework, while crossing the street, while holding dull or not so dull utensils. Its then when I can feel the present escaping me, so helplessly. The second hand on my watch is clanging against my brain. “They. don’t. think. of. you,” it ticks. And yet the distant events hold on to me with a stronger pull. Tugging persistently on my veins as if they were anchored. Slowing my internal beats and whatnots. I’m mesmerized by the abandoned belongings you all have left me, breathing or not.
Two hours have gone by. I am on the same page. My eyes focus and then unfocus on the words before me. A thousand times, I have read this sentence and yet all I can see are old promises and love letters. Pennoyer v. Neff, the title reads. I skim the next paragraph only to understand it as one of my father’s usual tales or my brother’s unused advice. Analyze, analyze, analyze the text, the worn pages tell me. Still, I let the books down. They know I will learn nothing from them tonight.
But his lips when he spoke. And her tears were on my sleeve. Heavy cabinet doors, creaking stairs, and so, so many whispers. There was so much seething. I analyze these things and its here where I learn something new. Each time I learn something new. They break my heart but from this I grow, regrow, relapse, regret, reinvent and give in. The pain comes in waves and I feel the human in me. And if you can’t say the same for yourself, well, I feel sorry for you.
I pity those who never look back. I’m sure you’ve encountered in-genuine things in your life, but what about all that was real? Can you even tell the difference?
I must admit, there is a single noxious spite in my soul. “You’ll never know! You’ll never know and I hope you never learn,” my conscience yells at the ghost. Lately, I’ve been attempting to purge this one and only spite. I keep searching for redemption (whether it be mine or yours) but I fall each time. I keep looking through our old chapters for the places we’ve failed but an overwhelming sense of anger consumes me. I am disappointed. Something so real is wasted. The past is a silent movie. No subtitles, no answers. Not ever.
Three hours gone. The present awakes me with To-Do lists and laughter. I transform back to the lonely body that takes up a single space in time. I’m no longer the large spirit filled to the brim with so many minutes. I feel physical and strong and most likely even chipper. I feel grateful, but not so human; I am suddenly only capable of loving those who currently love me.
“You’ll never know,” the voice threatens from a place behind. “You’ll never know and I hope you never learn!”
(Source: xanga.com)
